Why does my toddler hit me?
Robert P. Lindeman, MD, PhD
Natick Pediatrics, PC

If your toddler is between the ages of 1 and 2, chances are you’ve asked yourself this question. This is one of the most common questions I get asked at well-child visits for children between the ages of one and two. Some parents tell me their kids hit, and others bite. Still others throw full plates of food on the floor. Most of the time, after the deed, the child laughs. Some lucky parents have children who do all these things and more.

All these maddening behaviors are entirely normal. In fact, most toddlers must engage in these behaviors, or behaviors similar to these, in order to develop normally into happy, well-adjusted children. But for this to occur it is essential that the parent or caregiver respond in an appropriate manner. And to do so, the parent needs to understand where all the hitting, biting, and throwing food is coming from.

The Dark Room
I explain toddler behaviors by asking the perplexed parents to imagine themselves in a closed room with no lights and no windows. One of the first things we do in such situations is reach out with our arms and try to find the walls. We do this instinctively, as though we are "hard-wired" to grope about for the walls. Simply put, we need to know where the walls are. Otherwise we would end up with bruised elbows and foreheads.

For toddlers, the world is a big dark room. The walls are what psychologists call "limits". In the case of toddlers, these are the limits of proper behavior. A toddler knows instinctively that there is a wall separating right from wrong, but doesn’t know how far he or she can go before hitting the wall it. So the child will test the limits in the same way that a person in a dark room tests to see where the walls are.

It is likely that small children probe the limits of proper behavior from a very early age, but we simply don’t notice. They may bang blocks together loudly, or scream at the top of their lungs, or crawl from one end of the room to the other. Most of the time, parents think their toddler is just great, and so they respond with words of praise or encouragement. In other words the behavior doesn’t "get a rise out of us". Then one day, the child tries something else, and this time she does something that gets a reaction, like hitting her mother. A perceptive 12-month old will immediately understand what that look of shock on his mother’s face means. Very likely the child’s thoughts go something like this:

"Eureka, I’ve found it! I found a limit!"

The Meaning of the Laugh
The toddler, having drawn a reaction from his parent, expresses satisfaction, even joy at finding a limit of proper behavior, by smiling and laughing. The child is not being wicked, as many parents understandably believe. He is simply expressing his happiness and relief at finding a wall. Look closely: your toddler will usually not begin to smile or laugh until you wrinkle your brow, or frown, or express displeasure in some other way.

Yes, But…
At this point in the explanation, many parents will say ‘Okay, I understand this so far, but why does she hit me over and over and over again?’ Once the toddler discovers her limit, why does she test the limit immediately and repeatedly? Why doesn’t she ‘get the message’ the first time you frown and say ‘no’?

There are two reasons why your toddler will continue to hit you and laugh: One reason is sheer pleasure: As I mentioned above, toddlers get an enormous kick when they encounter a limit on their behavior. Their enjoyment doesn’t seem to decrease with repetition. Remember, I’m talking about individuals who can crank on a jack-in-the-box for an hour, and laugh every single time the clown pops out.

The second reason is that toddlers need constant reassurance. Just as a person in a dark room will keep groping for the walls even after he finds them, so a toddler will constantly ‘feel around’ for the limits of proper behavior. This is the same reason why toddlers so often hug and kiss their mothers (or fathers, if they are in a ‘daddy stage’): even though they know their mother and father loves them, they need frequent reassurance that the love is still there.

The Power of Consistency
Now that your toddler has discovered that you don’t like hitting, or biting, or throwing food on the floor (and has begun doing these things several times in a row, several times per day) what should you do about it? Should you keep on frowning and saying ‘no’? Should you raise your voice louder each time? Or should you start ignoring the behavior?

Imagine you are back in the dark room. A short time ago you felt for the wall and found it just to your right, three feet away. Now you reach out again and… it’s not there. Where’d that wall go? Most people would be pretty unsettled by this. Now imagine a toddler whose mother always frowns and says a firm ‘no’ when the child hits or bites, but all of a sudden mother doesn’t react any more! Most children will hit harder, bite deeper, or throw food farther in a desperate attempt to get the wall to ‘appear’ again. And they will keep trying until they find the wall.

Being consistent is one of the hardest tasks of parenting, but it’s one of the most important. I tell the parents of my patients that, even though they are exhausted by the constant frowning and saying ‘no’, that they must not give up – their children need them to keep up the walls!

What about children whose parents don’t set limits, or who set them inconsistently? Imagine groping about in the dark room and never finding the wall – or finding it one moment, only to have the wall disappear!

Parents who set limits and enforce them consistently have children who are happier and more emotionally stable than children who are free to do as they please, with no limits whatsoever. We usually associate freedom with happiness, but when it comes to the limits of proper behavior, limits lead to happiness. Children who grow up without limits are often anxious and insecure, despite their apparent freedom.

What to do when your toddler hits you

• Realize why the child is doing this. He or she is asking you to do one of your most important jobs as a parent: You are being asked to set limits.
• Frown and say ‘No’ firmly. You can be specific, e.g., ‘No hitting!’, or ‘Hitting is not allowed’.
• Hold the child’s hands in your hands and look the child directly in the eyes as you speak. This will help focus the child’s attention on you, and will let the child know that you are taking the behavior seriously.
• Be prepared to be hit or bitten repeatedly. If you feel you are beginning to lose your cool, separate yourself from your child if at all possible. Tell the child ‘that’s enough hitting, now I need a break’. Then remove yourself from the room. This is a form of a ‘time-out’, but the time out is really for you, not for the child. You need time to cool down so that you don’t overreact to the child’s behavior.
• When the child gives up (i.e., when the child realizes that the wall is in place and is not going away), give him or her a hug and say ‘I love you’. I’ve never known a child who’s heard those words too many times.

For more information about Natick Pediatrics, or to talk to the doctor, please call the office at (508) 655-9699.

---

Medical Office Building
MetroWest Medical Center
Leonard Morse Campus
67 Union Street, Suite 305
South Natick, MA 01760

(508) 655-9699
(508) 655-2984 fax

Posted: January 6, 2003